This is just one of those days when I hate being a girl. You would too, if you felt dizzy with your insides twisting and blood gushing out. Am I being too graphic?

It’s usually tolerable most of the time, but there are days when it’s just too painful and all you want to do is curl up into a little ball. Plus, it happened unexpectedly at work, so I was unprepared.

Alone in the crowd is the phrase that comes to mind when I attempt to describe my experience today. It makes you realize how much you depend on others for — I dont know, a sense of comfort, of feeling at ease in public places.

I was at the most public of places : SM Megamall. I was supposed to meet up with a friend. And that person is still at home. The meeting place was crawling with people.

I would like to be more comfortable with solitude. Most of the people who are here alone project an attitude of expectation, of waiting. Their entire body language screams, I am not alone by choice, my companion just hasn’t arrived yet. Rare is the person who is comfortably alone, who came here purposely to enjoy the evening in solitude, even if that solitude involves being silent in the midst of so many other people.

At first, it can be uncomfortable being alone. You try and look busy, texting your friends, looking frequently at your watch, even whip out a pen and notebook and compose your blog entry. After a while, you settle back, and take to watching people. You observe the way they walk, the way they dress, the way they talk to their friends. You begin to make up little stories about them. Look at that shy couple, out on their first date together. That girl is mad at her friends because they were supposed to meet at 4pm and they aren’t here yet. Wait a minute. That’s just me projecting my frustration on her.