Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

I just read that 2010 (year of the tiger) is an excellent year for those who were born in the year of the horse. Sounds great,huh? I am excited actually and looking forward to what GOD has in store for me.

2009 was a very tough year for me. A lot of heartaches, failures, sickness, sadness... Aside from meeting and gaining new friends, I have nothing to share, nothing to talk about that made me happy...there's not much to smile about.

Ive had 2 BFs this year. ended relationship with both of them. Im single before the year ended.
Ive worked for 2 companies this year. I resigned. Im jobless before the year ended.
I have this lump in my right neck and still waiting for the result of the biopsy. Im a little scared, to be honest.
etc..etc...etc....etc....

But in spite of all these seemingly "tragic" events and circumstances, Im still thankful for everything. I didnt understand why these things happened but I still trust God. Great things are yet to come.

Again. I wanna thank those people who loved me and cared for me. And those people who still loves and cares for me. Im really sorry for being such a cry baby! Sorry for all the dramas. Thank you for being a great friend. I dont deserve all of you but Im so lucky I have you at times when I needed you most. Im sorry for not being there when you mightve needed me. "Myself" needed "Me"! LOL! I'll repent and be more loving and nicer and kinder to all of you. I am missing some of my friends and hope to hookup with you guys one of these days.soon.

I am saying goodbye now to 2009 and saying hello to 2010!

Goodbye loneliness, Hello happiness!


[ Happiness is a Choice. Suffering is an Option]

Happy 2010!

May you have enough happiness to keep you happy.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrow to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you thoughtful.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough faith and courage in yourself to banish depression.
Enough wealth to meet your daily needs.
Enough determination to make each day a better day than yesterday.

Relationship/Love Reminders:

1. A man won't let go if he really loves you.

Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you
and does not value having you.
Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is
another reason he is not willing to tell.

2. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship.
There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does
not love you.
Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done.
Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.

3. Do not get hung up on your past.
Do not nag or distrust your current boyfriend just because your ex hurt you.
Do not treat him or the relationship the same way. Do not compare.
He will not react the same way as your ex. Do not be worried that your simple mistakes will cause him to look for another girl.
What happened with your ex was not your fault. It was not because you didn't guard him enough or you didn't make him happy enough.

4. Do not look into images.
How many times have you met a girl who didn't have the best image in school or at the office, but you get to know the girl and found out she was actually extremely nice?
Do not rely on images. Oftentimes, it is far from reality.
Do not fear men just because your "supposedly" perfect ex-boyfriend mistreated you.

5. Always have your own set of rules.
Set your limits on how far you'd go for a guy. It's perfectly ok to give and do everything as long as it's worth it..
And it's worth it if the guy is treating you right.

6. Do not be scared to lose him.
Don't be scared that he'll break up with you.
Once you are afraid of losing him, you easily can be taken advantage.
Be strong and if something is unacceptable, do not accept it and speak up.

7. Avoid calling your guy.
It's a guy thing. The relationship will definitely be better if it's the guy who's calling, not the girl.
He will get tired of you if you keep on calling. He will lose interest and challenge.
More so, he will get annoyed. But it's a girl thing also that your fingers get too itchy until you dial his number.
But avoid as much as possible. Call only if really needed (like checking if your suspicions are reasonable).

8. There is a guy who will value you.
There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved.
And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don't lose hope.
Don't settle for a lesbian if you are not attracted to women. There is a man out there who can love you like a girl can.
Also, do not believe him when he says it's just the way he really is. He's not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together?
Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.

9. Always be the only one, no matter what.
Do not ever fall for a guy who has another girl, be it his wife, girlfriend, or any girl that he says he just can't get rid of for whatever reason. If you truly believe that he loves you and for some reason, he can't leave or let go of another girl, then you are no different from any ordinary mistress.

10. He must respect you.
No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you.

11. If he fooled you, end it.
Philandering once is enough.
You can never trust nor respect the person again.

12. Never start a relationship the wrong way.
Do not steal another girl's man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.

13. Do not force yourself into a relationship.
Do not get into a relationship just because your friends are getting impatient with your dating escapades and the one hasn't come yet..
Do not choose who to say yes to based on superficial things like money, looks, cars, etc..
If you are even thinking of these things, you have not fallen in love yet.

14. Do not settle.
If you are not happy anymore with your relationship, break up instantly.
He will not stay with you forever no matter how upright he might seem to be.
Eventually, he will also want love and happiness in his life.

15. A relationship has to have love.
Love is the only thing that will push you to give your efforts into making the relationship work.
And believe me, keeping a relationship requires genuine efforts of both parties.

16. Don't be afraid to be single.
It's fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want.
You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free!
Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.

17. Be a good girl.
Be a good girl to attract a good guy. Enter the relationship with sincere intentions.
Take the guy and the relationship seriously with the plan of spending the rest of your life with that person (of course, this is after you had your bit of fun in your younger years) . If you compare your flings from your real relationships, you will know that the latter makes you happier and more fulfilled.

18. Love without limits.
Whether you loved and gave everything or loved but held out for some things, if the relationship ends, you still get hurt. But if you gave your everything, you were happy and you could say that it was worth it. If you didn't give your all, you get hurt for nothing.

19. You will get over him.
Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.

20. Be the one.
Act like you are the one. Don't be a nagger. Don't hinder his gimmicks. Don't give in to him too easily.
Make him treat you as important. Don't be easy. Don't be like every
other girl he had in his life.

Too Blind to See

Ano na naman ba 'tong nararamdaman mo? Akala ko ba ok na sa'yo yung nangyari? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan? Tanga ka ba ha? Tapos na, tapos na ang lahat. Wala ka ng babalikan. Huli na para bumalik ka pa. Wag kang tanga. Wag kang magdrama tangna mo. Anong sabi mo sa 'kin nuon? nakalimutan mo na ba? Memory gap ka na naman ba? Wala na nga diba, wala na. Wag mo ng ipilit pa.

Ano ka ngayon? nasaan yung tapang mo? Tanga ka nga. Alam mo sa sarili mo na wala ka ng magagawa. Alam mo yan tanga. Pinapahirapan mo lang yung sarili mo eh. Cheer up! Tumayo ka. Wag kang magpapako dyan sa nararamdaman mo. tanga ka kasi. Magseseryoso ka na lang ulit, sumablay ka pa. Tanga talaga.

Oo nga mahal mo siya. Alam ko din na mamimiss mo lahat ng ginawa nyo ng magkasama. Pero move on! wala na eh. ano pang pinag-iiisip mo jan? Alam mo naman yung dapat mong gawin diba? Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko sa'yo eh. Paulit-ulit ka na lang ganyan. Kahit anong sabi ko sa'yo, d ka na nadala. Hindi ka na natuto sa mga naranasan mo. Ngayon ano? Tignan mo yang sarili mo. Malungkot. Mukha kang ewan. Mukha kang tanga. May paiyak iyak ka pang nalalaman tangna ka!

Ano? kakausapin mo na naman siya at susubukang ayusin yung mga bagay bagay? Yan ang nasa isip mo diba? bahala ka, makulit yang puso at utak mo. Eto na yung huli kong pagsesermon sa'yo. Ewan! Bahala ka! Di ka na nadala, hindi ka na natuto. Tanga!

blank

so sad...i cant write

musing again

After weeks of what people call "writer's block"... I got inspired. Coz I'm so sleepy I couldn't sleep anymore.LOL!

A lot of changes happened recently - for the better i suppose. i'm still trying to figure things out... where to go from here, how to go about it etc. well, what's new right?! i guess it will always (always!) be like this.

LOL but one thing's for sure, i know i'm still lucky like shit!

My job's awesome, my life's fucked up but full of fun and i have an insatiable thirst to learn, to live and to love.

life is really a bitch you know. and it's good err great that it is. 'cause when you start to become complacent and things begin fucking up one by one, you wake up and fix 'em ugh-gain. that's life! ain't that a bitch?! tried doing things the right way, tried doing things the wrong way... however hard i try IT just won't die. keeps coming back ya' know. and i guess i'm at fault.

it's a choice really.

happiness... yes. contentment... yes.
excited yet anxious, nervous... yes.
to last? that is the question.

forgiveness... forgiveness... for...
what?

:p

Angst

This week was a huge emotional setback that I so reluctantly faced. I have felt that need to bring out the happy mask yet again to disguise that deep splinter in my heart - It's easier to smile than to explain to people who won't understand anyway.

Eversince,whenever I feel unwanted, I just quietly withdraw myself and just silently take my way out. I was never the one to make efforts to redeem myself or vindicate myself over doing something spectacular or astounding. It's not the it's-your-loss-not-mine snooty kind of mentality, actually it's quite the opposite. I feel more of sadness and dishearten that if I feel not being liked, I'll just stay away to lighten their burdens a bit and i realized that i'm mature enough to stoop down to their levels.

This week I also learned that it's much harder to pull a smile when you feel your face is pulling down. It's like there's a huge wave of downcast enveloping your soul. I've always had a sly face to cover everything but somehow, I never knew how to battle sadness of being unwanted.

I am human who's never contented and will always look for the other side. I am not happy but I am trying everyday. As I remind myself, blessings, mundane as they can be, are still blessings. I don't want to have regrets to have them back again once I don't have them anymore.
After going through the ordeal of self-denial, here comes the unexpected truth that I can't even handle. Its because when someone reminds me of how I want to live my life, I knew I failed but no, Im actually on my way soon. Thanks to you people! Check on your life first before judging mine! You just don't know how I make my everyday to be a new learning ground and live my life the way I want it to be.

You can't crucify someone who is living a life that you so want to have.
Your life won't get any easier just because you think you have drag someone down with you.
Stop All the hypocrisy.

I Am...not

I'm not in the night...

I'm not at the day...

I'm not in the past...

I'm not in the future...

I'm not in the water...

I'm not in the fire...

I'm not in your World...

I'm sorry...

Bagyo man ang dumating

matindi ang unos na nagdaan

ang hagupit ng hangin

ang buhos ng ulan

tila walang katapusan.

nagngingit sa galit ang kalikasan

bagamat malayo sa kapahamakan

di mapanatag aking damdamin

lumulutang ang aking isipan

hinahanap ang iyong mga mata

nagtatanong kung nasan ka na

di pala nakakatakot ang bagyo

di pala nakakatakot ang bangis ng hangin

di pala nakakadampi ang ulan

napawi na ito ng aking pag-aalala sayo

nag-aabang, sa malayo nakatanaw

naghihintay sa yong pagdating

di mapakali hangang muling kapiling ka

sa lupit ng hagupit ng bagyo

sa kasagsagan nito

naglaho ang aking pangamba

ang kaba ay napilitan ng ngiti

nang madama ko ang iyong yakap

nang mahawakan ko ang iyong kamay

ang damdamin ay nagliyab

ang kapangyarihan sa aking bisig

ay nag-uumapaw sa lakas

ito’y umiikot na parang ipo-ipo

at nakaamba na parang ahas

ang anumang bagay ay maglalaho

sa oras na dumampi sa iyong balat

at masusunog sa init ng apoy

ang damdamin ay walang katulad

nagbabadyang panganib

nakahandang suongin

hawak ka lang sa palad ko

magiging usok ang patak ng ulan

nakapagtatakang napawi ang takot

ni kaunting kaba ay di ko nararamdaman

yakap ko ang syang balabal mo

lahat ay kaya nating suongin

lahat ay kaya nating lampasan

nararamdaman mo pa ba ang takot?

ang panganib ay nawalan ng puwang sa atin

ang takot ay naikubli

ng makita ang kislap sa iyong mga mata.

kaya kong bihagin ang unos sa palad ko

at ibalik ito sa karagatan.

ipagtatanggol kita…

ilang unos pa man ang dumating.

Thank you

I happen to "bump in" to this live journal account. I dont know this person. It just amazes me that he/she reads my works. he/she even shared it to his/her friends...

to you, yyyoshiii of Mind Vomit, Thank you. I appreciate that you read my works and that you didnt remove my name on it! LOL.

bumming!

I don't think I still have a life.

I'm spending most of my time in front of my computer...

But still loving it! LOL!

I failed not to think of Him especially on this day.

Today is his Birthday...

How nice it is to spend this special day with him,huh? but everything has changed now. And all I could do is to wish him all the best things in life, pray for him, even without him knowing...

I just really hope that he's happy...

Now there's so much to write but I can't do it all at once.

Busy...

Addicted to Poker!

No. not the real one. no real money. no real chips.

Texas Hold'em Poker from Facebook is what Im referring to. hehehe.

I don't have anything to blog today. So I thought of sharing this bit of info. very interesting right? me, gambling??? well, at least not for real!

that's all folks! will be playing again! Wish me luck. LOL!

I Love You, Goodbye

I said Goodbye to him for the Nth time...

I always have the answer to any questions that someone will asked me, but I cant find the right answer to his one simple question.

"why are you saying goodbye, Jing?"

He sent me a text quote saying : If you love what you're doing, you'll never get bored. same with... If you love that someone, you'll never get tired.

I replied,: I am tired. But it doesn't necessarily mean I don't love you...


What was he thinking when he forwarded me that message??? Lalo nyang ginugulo ang isip ko.

Leche.

A friend forwarded me this message and this hit me so hard:



U know wats sad bout love?

its wen u happen 2 know dat ders jst no hope 4 u bein 2gder yet u stil pray 2 make it work...
its wen ur mind says let go but ur heart says hold on...
its wen u drim of dat person almost evry nyt only 2 wake up in d morning wid tirs in ur eyes...
nd most of ol its wen no mater how u try 2 4get dat person u jst cnt...
coz of d fact dat u love dat person nd u just dnt know y...


So true, Right? well, for me it is... parang ako na rin nga ang sumulat ng quote nato. coz this is exactly what was happening to me!


Now, going back to his question why am i saying goodbye? im not really sure why. Maybe because I don't want us to be just friends. I realize I can't settle for anything but the best. I thought I could still be a part of him if I remain by his side. Be there whenever he needs me, that sort of thing. When I convinced myself to settle for friendship with him, I didn't realize I'd get more than what I was ready to cope. My feelings always get in the way. I'm not sure who to blame. I'm so confused I don't want to think of Him anymore. But how? kung siya lang naman lagi ang laman ng isip ko? Magmura man ako ng ilang beses, di pa rin mawala ang kaguluhan sa isipan ko. Isipin ko man lahat ng nangyari samin at ginawa niya sakin, di ko pa rin magawang magalit. I just love him to the highest level! Punyeta!

I've been trying so hard to avoid him. I no longer reply to his texts, I diverted all my incoming calls to a non-working number, and now, I am planning to change my number. that also, is for the Nth time. And these things hurt me so much. A bigtime sacrifice.

Sana lang din tigilan na lang niya ako, if he doesn't intend to get back with me. If only he'll realize how miserable I am to know that I can touch Him, yet I can't own Him. If only I can say these things to Him. If only I am brave enough...

I just hope that everything turns out fine. Anyway, I always believe that greater things are yet to come.

I Love You and only God knows how much and until when, but for now, For my sanity... Goodbye.

I'm addicted to Facebook

Ok, there, I've admitted it.

I have always thought that addiction referred to drugs, alcohol, and other vices that you couldn’t help but take advantage of, even while knowing the dangers involved therein. But I never once thought that something that in my mind should just be casual/once-in-a-while/when-I-have-a-free-moment-and-the-boss-isn’t-looking kind of fun could be so frustratingly addictive.

I’m always hearing about the renowned Facebook, the “coolest” thing to hit the Web since, well, since the last cool thing. I never felt the slightest desire to join, because I already use friendster, My Blogs (a lot) which takes up a significant amount of my time as it is; so I thought putting my profile on Facebook as well would totally overexpose me, and overexposure is the last thing I’m looking for. lol.

I have often received e-mails from friends or acquaintances inviting me to join Facebook. In order to see members’ detailed profiles, members’ pictures, or see details of an event I’ve gotten invited to, I’d have to be a member of Facebook. So I finally joined. It was a very spontaneous decision that I may live to regret, because as of the morning after joining, I already felt slightly addicted. I never thought that would happen to me and certainly not within hours of joining, but there it is.

By morning I started getting friend invites from members who saw that I had joined, but I can honestly say I don’t recall where I even knew some of these “friends” from or even what they looked like, until I peeked at their photos.

Being someone’s friend on Facebook seems to have many different connotations. A friend can be someone you actually spend time with and talk to on the phone “off the ’Net,” a friend can be someone you see every couple of weeks and say hello to in passing, or a friend can be someone you see at a party once a year. There seems to be no distinction on Facebook between best friend, good friend, or mild acquaintance. Everyone in your network seems to be your new BFF (best friend forever).

Word around town (from Facebook members) is that if you’re not on Facebook, then you are not in the know, and you might be missing out on events and friendships.

Well, what can I say? A week and a half later and I'm officially over Friendster (where I loved finding people to add to my friends list) and I'm on Facebook all of the time. To send a cyber drink to a friend or throw a cow at someone (yes, really) I love or create lists of my favorite things. Answer Quizzes. Do Street Racing. Be part of a Mafia Family. Join a Sorority. Have your own Farm. Make your Pet a Star. Play Poker. It's so much fun! So, if you are on Facebook and want to be friends, look me up and maybe I'll throw a cow at you. Or send you a fruity drink. Or play poker with me or beat me in a race (if you can.lol) If you aren't on there, what are you waiting for?

My LSS for months now!

Vision?

I'm getting married and so excited about it!


Oh I know my friends will be shocked, literally, after reading the first line. And how I love to see their faces! Hahaha!

For the record, I am not getting married! No, not yet.

I had a dream, though. And in my dream I was walking down the aisle to meet my groom.

Unfortunately, I didn't see his face.

Geez!

I seldom dream. And when I do, they happen. Creepy, but true. So sometimes, I hate dreams.

Except, of course, if it's a good one! like this one. Keep the faith, Nene! LOL!

Mirror

I've been where you are, and God, I know how painful it exactly felt.

I know sweet words aren't really enough to at least ease the pain, but it really does help.

A bit, though.

You asked me if you had a choice.

I told you to either cling to that damn hope of you two getting back together or just move on with your life and deal with the fact that it's just up to there.

You smiled and it was obvious that you opted the first one I suggested.

But Honestly, you really don't have a choice but to let go.

It's bleak, I know, but I guess you just have to deal with reality.

It's really foolish to keep hoping that there's another chance, cause we all know how clear it is that this is really where it's at.

I know you are much willing to take the risk and even if you'd have to take all the shots, I know you'd take them wholeheartedly.

Because above all your shortcomings and all else, you want him back.

Period.

But he needs time and space for himself.

And you can't force that.

Just Numbers? Nah!

48 messages in Facebook (Wallposts and Inbox)

21 messages in Friendster (Wallposts and Inbox)

10 messages in Yahoo email

17 offline and online messages in YM

30 text messages

An awesome date with a great guy

Great Family, Great Friends

One Loving God

-------------------------------------------------------

Total: 1 Strong Woman and 31 years of Colorful Life!

I'm old...

…so what?! nyahahaha!

Not so old though! But it wont be for long till I'm all wrinkled, lost my tooth, got my hair grey...

Whatever!

As long as I live the life that I want, I'll be forever grateful, satisfied, fulfilled...

Happy 31st Birthday to me!!!

and it’s ok to be old as long as i’m…

Happy (haha!)

Pretty (hahaha!) and

Sexy (nyahahahahahaha!)

Being Jing is not easy but I’m having fun…a lot of lessons learned…more rooms for improvement…

I wanna thank God for the 31 years of Happiness and Sadness, Success and Failures, Hopes and Despair, Love and Hatred…

I wanna thank all those people who loved me, people continue loving me and people who, may not love me, but still there for me. Thank you for the love & friendship you all shared with me.

For all its worth, I wanna say sorry to those people i hurt, people i’ve done wrong,people i lied to, people who loves me but i didnt notice, people i disregard, people already forgotten… "tao lang po, sorry naman"…

To my ANGELS, if only i could turn back time, i would cared for you more and cared for my feelings less…if only i could turn back time, id thought of you first… if only i could turn back time… but no one can… God has other plans, let his will be done. The day I lost you was the day i died but you brought me to life and made me stronger. Thank you for being an inspiration…I Love You and I know you’re watching me from wherever you are…I’ll keep you safe here in my heart.

enough. no more dramas! hehehe!

Let’s all be happy! celebrate Love and Life with me!

Inuman Na!!! (na naman???!!!)

Solid!

Old friends are like photographs
you file them in your mind
they're there for you to reminisce
time after time.

You make new acquaintances
as the years roll along
but you never forget the old ones
long after they're gone.

They're like a good old movie
on a cold lonely day
you talk with them it's like
they never went away...

(with me are my bestfriends, Yanny and Shing)

Thank You!

I give thanks for the hard times,
for they made me strong.
I give thanks for the lean times,
for they made a giver.
I give thanks for the loneliness;
it taught me to be a friend.
I give thanks for the hunger
that taught me to share.
I give thanks for the tears,
that taught me to smile.
I am grateful to the darkness
for it helped me find the light.
I give thanks for the storm
and the pain and the fear
that made me a survivor.
I give thanks for the gift of words;
and as long as there is air to breathe
and light to see, and lessons to learn,
to share the blessing,
on this day and always, I will write.

HIM

He lay there sleeping innocently through the wind and the storm that was slowly taking over her in her mind. Soundly sleeping unaware of the confusion, denial, and the constant urge to touch him which she had been fighting, almost unsuccessfully, all night.

Only inches away from her, she could feel his sweet warmth as they shared a cramped bed. It was all she could think about. It was all she craved for at that moment.

Body warmth, the warmth of another’s touch, the feel of skin upon glorious skin and flesh upon flesh but more importantly it was his touch and his warmth and his flesh in particular that she had been craving for all night. His innocent heat, his sweet breath upon the air she shared with him, it was slowly driving her over the edge.

It was like the last memorable vision of a person before going blind, doubting forever and insanely wondering if the image she remembers is accurate and true. A thousand and one thoughts of him stroking his hair, hugging him, holding his hand, placing her hand on his shoulder and of her kissing him, and kissing him, and kissing him, filled her head like a kaleidoscope of lust filled images. It left her wondering if whether she truly did like him or whether she just want to be loved, to feel the warmth.
The warmth of anyone who could, or rather who would return the warmth in which she was so desperate to give and even more desperate to receive. she could do nothing more than feign sleep beside him, closing her eyes and yet still watching his every move, his every breath.

And in pretending to be asleep, sleep finally came to her. Yet even in her dreams he haunted her, like a ghost with too much time on their hands. she dreamed of future and past denials, arguments with him and herself, a thousand faceless, nameless people and women. she dreamed of the warmth that a loved one brings the biting emptiness and cold, which she was so used to. she dreamed of life, of death and of love. And as she dreamed she felt him moving beside her in the way a sleeping person slowly tosses and turns.

Sheets slowly moved, the warmth of a blanket adding to his warmth, which was so close and yet unreachable and untouchable. The cold air from the fan insanely accentuating the warmth that emanated from him. she wanted to run, to turn somewhere, anywhere but here. she wanted to smash her head again and again, and again against the nearest wall. Anything to relieve her of what she wanted and yet could not have. she wanted to imagine that she didn’t like him, as if he were nothing to her, as if his smiles couldn’t melt the icebergs within her heart, but alas she couldn’t.
All she could do was traverse the thin line between the waking and the dreaming hoping that she could find solace in dreams. She was his friend and she was his; there was no changing this fact. A normal friendship so to speak except for the tension filled moments when her mind wavered and she felt that he could be more than just a friend.

Those moments were filled with hidden glances, “accidental” brushes of skin and the like which she, almost always, when caught gave thousands upon thousands of excuses for. Sometimes even placing the blame, if ever there was any, on his to alleviate any hints of her feelings for him.

Her mind now became unsure of the once stable friendship that they once had. Wondering whether to pursue this feeling she had and in the process giving up her friendship and dropping down her guard. It was how she felt even in her dreams and upon waking and seeing him sleeping beside her, so close and yet so far, she felt…more annoyed.

Annoyed at the situation she was in and even more annoyed at the way she acted or rather the way she failed to act whenever he was near. Annoyed at the words she clumsily put together whenever he would talk to her and of the thousands upon thousands of phrases, words, and lines, which she practiced night after night, that never even reached her lips.

But no one could blame her for feeling this way. It was the only way she knew how to react given this type of unknown situation.
It was natural a human reaction. she was only human after all… only human, she repeated again and again to herself in the hopes of her finding some reason to make things a little more bearable.
Then suddenly he turned around, facing her as he slept. she could see his face as clear as crystal even in the pitch-black room. It was as if he were glowing in the nighttime air. she closed her eyes doing everything possible, thinking of anything and everything to circumvent her temptations of holding him just once, of just stroking his hair, of just stealing one sweet kiss.
It was a different kind of hell for her as she closed her eyes and went numb and void of all feeling. The nine circles of hell combined all into one plus a tenth circle would be a close estimate to what she was going through.

she wanted to bash her head again and again against a wall.
she wanted to feel the crimson red heat of her blood and bits of her brain slowly dripping down her forehead, insanely, could chew rubber or steel, annoyed at her predicament.
she could do nothing… nothing but to look away and close her eyes and to let herself drown in her dreams and to let the storm of her mind rage on.

Edge of Reality

"History repeats itself" but, do I have to allow it or not, is the main point why I need a lot of thinking to do...



I’m stranded on the jagged edge of reality
clinging to the echoes that drawn in mist of midnight
teetering on a mirage of self-awareness
striping away memories yellowed with the varnish of time
mired in the fog of denial
shackled to heartbreak’s tarnished dreams
wondering if I will ever awake from this nightmare
and query why it is that I am not asleep


(It just goes to show that what I do is unrelated to what I know and my feelings don't have a brain...)

I wish... I wish

star light, star bright
first star I see tonight.
I wish I may, I wish I might
have the wish I wish tonight.

I wish for love....so totally pure
I wish for strength....so proud and sure
I wish for warmth....for ever to last
I wish that I could...remove this mask

Star light, star bright, please hear my wish
I'm afraid if you don't, it's my dreams that you'll miss
I wish that people could....learn to smile
I wish the world could....rest awhile

I wish that I had....a heart of gold
I wish my arms could....vanish the cold
I wish that there could be...world peace
I wish that war and hatred... would cease.

I wish that for all illnesses... there could be a cure
I wish that all man's hearts be pure
I wish there would....be no sin
I wish that everyone could be called friend.

First star, my star so bright
my beacon my guiding light
Heed my words for I need you so
I wish...I wish...well you already know.

deja vu

I was going to reflect...analytically, of course. How it seems that though thoughts still course through this brain of mine, I have no feel to write them all down, get them all out.

But really, I am simply swallowing them...there is no bottle-neck slowing the stream, breaking things up in transition. No, there is only pride, only fear, only self-doubt to blame.

I am feeling like a new chapter is opening up in the book of my life, something that I damn well should document considering all the despair, loneliness and anxiety i've written out of me in the past--and surely will again in the future.

I just can't get past the feeling.

Maybe that's it. Or have you read this before...different space, different time, same fuel.

Addicted

Whenever I am online, I didn't feel how time flies so quickly... I must admit I placed myself in a cyber space that made me occupied for nothing.LOL!

Lately, aside from the usual stuff like work, i've been spending most of my time Online. Facebook, Friendster- not much, Games on Facebook like YOVILLE, MAFIA WARS, SORORITY LIFE and PET SOCIETY.

I would spend minimum of 12hours on a regular day and minimum of 15hrs during Offs. whew!

Chatting is also one of the reasons why i stay up so late infront of my PC!

and of course Blogging. Oh by the way, I have some negative feelings lately and I prefer not to blog about it. maybe later.

And where am I today? I'm still sitting here in the privacy of my cold, dark room playing online games, wishing for something better to do and something real to hope for...LOL!




(photos taken using webcam- blurred? I know right!!!)

Nalulungkot ako...

...ngunit bakit 'di ko maisulat ang mga katagang magluluwal ng aking kalungkutan? Nais kong iluha ng aking panulat ang mga kinitil na pangarap, ang mga ugnayang nwasak, ang mga nwaglit na pangako at ang mga sandaling lumipad sa alapaap...subalit ipinagkakait ng aking diwa ang mga salita.

Marahil, hapo na ang aking katawan.
Nanuot na ang kalungkutan sa mga buto ko't kalamnan. Sinaid na nito ang aking lakas. Siniil hanggang maagnas ang bawat bahagi na aking kabuuan. Pinilit kong iunat ang aking kamay, ngunit ang mga daliri ko'y unti-unting dinurog ng kapaguran.

Marahil, bangag na ang aking isipan.
Sinakluban na ng kalungkutan ang mapaglaro kong utak. Hinigop na nito ang aking imahinasyon. Pinagod sa kahahanap ng sagot sa mga tanong na walang tiyak na hangganan. Pinilit kong hagilapin ang mga salita, ngunit ang mga salita'y isa-isang nawalan ng kahulugan.

Marahil, manhid na ang aking kaluluwa.
Dinukot na ng kalungkutan ang malaya kong puso. Kinuyom sa kanyang palad. Piniga hanggang ang lahat ng damdamin ay tumagas. Pinilit kong damhin ang pighati, ngunit ang mga imahe'y dahan-dahanh nilamon ng kawalan.

Nais kong magsulat ukol sa 'di tumitilang ulan, sa 'di makaunawang kadiliman, o kaya'y sa 'di matahak na daan... subalit lahat ng ito'y wala nang kabuluhan.

Ako'y hindi na ako.
Nakalulungkot...





(a repost)

hoping...

Lately I’ve been feeling quite ambivalent about my life. I’m on the road to achieving some of my goals: I’m working where I want to be working, all the pieces are in place for me to start making my life what I want it to be.

But there never seems to be enough time. Time to work and achieve all my professional goals. Time to relax and pursue my hobbies. Time to work out and keep fit. Time to get enough sleep. It seems that something always has to be sacrificed, usually my sanity.

Sometimes I wonder whether I really am on the road to achieving my goals, or if I’ve gotten stuck on the circular track called the rat race, forever running forward, never getting anywhere.

I think one of the big problems that I have is that I want things to be perfect, and I want them to be perfect right now. I’m trying to learn to live in the moment and enjoy the process of becoming.

Geocities is closing...

I already removed important files there just to make sure.

Hope no other sites im maintaining will close in the next future. Like this blogsite? If that happens, where will I put all my posts? And where will I blog? look for another site?

hmmm.. tiring... And I cant afford to pay another site! LOL!

Missing you, I guess...

Long years pass, but I still think of you,

Holding you only in my dreams makes me blue,

Wondering what you are doing now,

Remembering your beautiful eyes still somehow,

Can you picture that first day,

Those feelings that never go away,

I tremble still, feeling that simple touch on my skin,

The silent currents that thinking of you start once again,

So handsome riding alongside me on your fiery steed,

Trying to explain your intoxicating need,

Day after day,

Year after year,

I was the girl next door,

I need you, I heard you implore,

Lets take a walk,

We need to talk,

But we are from two different worlds I said,

Unknown lives, we would both come to dread,

I still remember you like it was today,

I wish you love, peace and happiness every day,

I do still wonder...

If you ever think of me.

Sounds great, right?

And so we went out And it was a friendly date!

We watched Transformers2. Cool Movie. [ will have my review later]

after the movie, we had dinner and after dinner, tambay sa Fastbytes to kill time. And mother of all coincidences, his ex was just a table away from Us! I asked him if he wants to move to another table, but he said, its ok. I felt strange. that's the very first time ive experienced to be seen with an ex, by an ex. gets?

And so we continue, talking about what happened between us, what happened to us after "us", and a lot of things. He doesnt want to hear my stories about me dating other guys, so we just stick on talking about things we used to do. Corny nga kako sabi ko! and all this time, his ex was just there sitting, drinking something from starbucks. And all this time, i have this feeling so strange i cant explain what is.

five minutes before 11pm, we said our goodbyes. no kiss. not even hold hands.

Im so proud of myself! LOL!

what?

Im still deciding if i'll renew my Authorsden account or will just use this blogsite to keep my works...

nuninuninu...

Oh Well...

surprise! surprise! may ex-bf,Patrick, texted me and said Hi.

after almost 3 months, ngayon lang uli kami nagkausap. He said, his gf just broke up with him after a month of being together. Im not sure what to feel or what to say about their breakup so I just listened.

Ang sarap naman sa pakiramdam na your ex was confiding on you. And of cors, i also have my share of kwento!

I told him about Yam. I ended whatever we have ngapala-- Me and Yam, I mean. When we talked last Saturday, i told him what we have wont work. I dont want him to expect. I want him to have a life there in the states. etc. etc. Again, he doesnt approved but he understood. Uuwi pa din daw siya ng december. haay!

quote for the day

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? --- Charles Schulz

Weird!

I was updating my Friendster account when i happen to see an Ad.

Friendster promoting Facebook!

What's up with that, huh?!

The Ying to my Yang

I am not looking for someone who complete me. I am complete in and of myself. I am looking for someone who complement me, whose dreams and values and ideas of living jive with mine, but not necessarily mirror them.

The catch here is that before I find that someone, I have to know myself. My quirks and needs, my dreams and desires, my sense of identity and purpose in this world. That special someone, whoever he is, has to know himself as well, and be open and honest and comfortable with his emotions.

Then, together, we can find out how our lives fit together, strengthening and supporting each other while growing to reach mutual heights of love, passion, and fulfillment.

moving on...

Nakakapanghinayang magdelete ng posts... Pero kailangan eh. Parte ng tinatawag na "moving on".

Katatapos ko lang linisin tong blog site ko at handa na akong magsimula ulit.

panibagong yugto at panibagong pahina ng aking buhay...

Sino Ba Si Yam?

"How did you know
I needed someone like you in my life
That there is an empty space in my heart
You came at the right time in my life"

... sino ba namang hindi makakakilala sa linyang yan di ba? at sino ba namang magsasabing magagamit ko pala yang kantang yan! hachu! Ganyan ko ilalarawan si Yam...

"I remembered so well
The day that you came into my life
You asked for my name
You had the most beautiful smile "



Wrong sent. ganun nagumpisa ang storya namin.
Sino rin magsasabing magkakaron pala ako ng ganito diba??
Anyway, Di sya naniwala. tinawagan nya ko.
nalaman nyang hindi nga ako yung kumpare
na gusto sana nyang makausap.
Tinanong nya ko kung 3G daw ba phone ko.
sabi ko OO. binabaan ako ng telepono!!!
Lech! kako sa isip ko. pero wala pang isang minuto,
nagring na uli phone ko.
Siya ulit.
VideoCall!
And the rest is history...


"My life has started to change
When i wake up each day feeling alright
With you right by my side
Makes me feel things will work out just fine"


Masyado pa kong nageemote dahil sa nangyari samin ng ex ko
nung dumating si Yam sa buhay ko.
Di pa ko ready sa isang relasyong may commitment.
Hindi OK sa kanya pero tanggap nya.
Masaya namin kami. walang commitment. walang hassle.
Sabi nya, isang araw magigising na lang daw ako
na mahal ko na siya.
Confident ang loko! hehehe!
Magsimula nung nakilala ko si Yam,
nakalimutan ko na lahat ng problema ko sa puso.
Nawala ang galit. Nawala ang panghihinayang.
Tinulungan niya akong maibalik ang dating Ako.


"I'll never forget
How you brought the sun to shine in my life
And took all the worries and fears that I had
I guess what I'm really trying to say
It's not everyday that someone like you comes my way
No words can express how much ...I'm thankful to you"

Sinadya kong iedit ang last line.
supposed to be, No words can express how much I Love You.
Di pa ko dumarating dun sa point
na masasabi kong mahal ko na siya.
Masaya ako, OO. pero hindi yun sapat.
Hindi lang siya ang lolokohin ko, pati sarili ko.
Kaaalis lang niya pabalik ng US.
natanggap na siya sa inapplyan nyang law firm dun.
He asked me to go there with him.
He asked me to marry him.
i declined both.
haba ng hair ko no? hehehe...
He said he'll be back by december,
At sana magbago daw sagot ko.

Any girl would want to have Yam as BF.
gwapo. mayaman. lawyer.
Any girl would want him as her husband.
Any girl would want to have him...but Me.
or maybe not yet. not now.

We still talk everyday.
we chat.
see each other thru webcam.
We still treat each other as bf-gf minus the commitment.

Maybe its time for me to use the line:

Its not You,Yam. its me... LOL!

Sickly Me

that tired feeling from yesterday ended up being the start of a fever. am feeling really crappy today. have a headache and fever, and my body aches all over. no work for me today.

Scarpetta

After Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, Regency Romances, Paulo Coelho, etc... I am now a fan of Patricia Cornwell' Scarpetta Series.

Im trying to get all the books, unfortunately, I cant find them all!

I buy all my books from Booksale, kasi mura.. hehehe... I'd like to have the complete series in Hardbound sana pero yung mga naunang series e hindi na available. Softbound na lang.

Di bale na... Basta makumpleto ko to!

LSS

I finally gave in to the music I kept hearing in my head. Ever since I got this computer, I had refrained from downloading any mp3s, or even any software that plays music. I had content myself with Windows Media Player for the few times that I needed to listen to any sound files.

But I guess I couldn’t resist for long. There was this song that kept playing in my head, and I wanted to be able to listen to the song whenever I wanted to, instead of waiting for it to come on the radio.

God sent Me an Angel

I was walking along one calm and cloudy day
Feeling down about the problems that had seemed to come my way
My pain was very great and my tears I could not hide
And was calling God to help me as I was hurting deep inside

I then thought about what I’ve believed and how I’ve rarely called
For sometimes I have wondered if God were there at all
As I lifted up my head and looked down that road a spell
I spotted someone coming - from the distance hard to tell

As he got a little closer I could then see all the signs
Of someone who’d been down that road quite a number of times
His clothes were old and dusty and his shoes were pretty worn
But there seemed a glow about him - at least I could have sworn

His face appeared real friendly as he peered up in the sky
He said, the weather is pretty calm today, hope the rain will pass us by
He first talked about the weather, but there seemed to be much more
That we both had in common, except for what we wore

He started talking about his life and the places he had been
And he spoke as if he knew me, like we were next-of-kin
From the problems that he had, to the happy times he found
Our likeness was uncanny and was becoming more profound

We had so much in common - I couldn’t believe how much alike,
That I decided to tag along, we continued on our hike
He said he’s from all over and his name was just like mine,
And hoped one day that we would meet as he had a real short time

I was feeling sort of baffled, as we went on with our walk
But he had held my interest, so I listened as he talked
He said, I know you’re hurting - as your life has been so hard
But it seems today that you found God, where once you’d disregard

From the point that I was calling and was asking for God’s hand,
Is the point where he had first appeared, as this was in God’s plan
He said to take more time for prayer - that I could bend God’s ear
That He is always listening, and He is always near

God knows about my struggles but better times will be ahead,
As long as I keep believing and will no longer be mislead.
We then turned onto a sidewalk and now very close to home,
And it was then it struck me that I was suddenly now alone.

This stopped me in my tracks and I began to call his name
And it was then I understood, why to me that day he came.
I then realized God had heard me, as my Angel He then sent
To relieve me of my worries, and all my discontent.