I believe that I'm beginning more comfortable with solitude.

I find the quiet and the freedom exhilarating!

I do tend to talk to myself though but it's great to be able to do what you want when you want to...

It seemed like I had found myself in Him and that I would never have to let go. He was different. Well, maybe he wasn't-- it just seemed like he was. he stood out from the rest, probably because I liked him that much. The phone calls and texts seemed so special even if there's nothing to talk about much. The short chats online would stay saved on the computer for times I needed comfort. The short visits he'd make would almost be like a grand event--even worthy of a count down. Every moment with him mattered and I was happy. I was truly happy it was almost unreal. My life seemed like a fairytale when he came into my life but not all fairytales end up happy-- I learned that the hard way.

I felt both devastated and angry. I knew there had to be a reason for me to feel that way. I was broken. I wanted to cry but the tears would not fall. I wanted to hit him to make him feel the pain in my heart but on the other hand, I wanted to hug him and keep him close in the hopes of making him be with me. But I know I couldn't. We cannot be together even if he wants me as much as I wanted him.It felt like a thousand blades piercing me all at one time.

It was hard to let go of the thought of him wanting me. I held on to it because I had nothing else to hold on to. I never thought the day would come when I would finally tell myself that I am over him and that I don't need him anymore. I never thought I would regret even loving someone as much as I loved him. I never thought I would hate, as I never thought I would fall in love.

lately i’ve been missing him again. and crying. the crying part is ok, it doesn’t last as long as it used to. i could remember the times we were there together. i could almost feel him beside me, with his arm around me. hayy.

what happened to us? is there anything i can do to make all this better?

haay...

I was thinking last night as I often do about work and stuff going on and I started to write something up but I didnt think it was appropriate. But the thinking certainly was. One of the things that I was thinking about home was thatI really stressed and feeling pretty overwhelmed.

I did however make a decision. I dont know how easy it is going to be to implement but basically, I decided I dont care. of course it's more complicated than that but I've decided to not get stressed. Sounds simple but in reality I dont know if its possible.

So that's that. i wonder how it will turn out going along.

just an entry to say i’m still alive. i actually have been sorta keeping up with my journaling, but i haven’t been able to type in all my entries yet since i have quite the backlog.

also, i’ll probably be redesigning my site. new year, new site.