the days just seemed to pass without me feeling the spirit of Christmas. sure, houses were lighted, Christmas specials were featured on TV, and presents were bought and wrapped. but something is missing. I dont know...

Today, I’ve realized that I’m ready to stop clinging to my life here as I know it and start looking forward to the life I’ll be living in the near future. I’m ready to stop thinking of the things I’ll be missing, and instead think of the things I wouldn’t have access to here.

It’s time for me to stop resisting change, and instead meet it head-on, take it by the horns, plunge into its depth, and whatever other metaphor you may think of for it.

Now I’m just thankful that there’s still time to buckle down and be truly ready for the upcoming changes in my life.

Somehow, I’ve always had a fear of getting stuck between the closing doors of an elevator. If possible, I try to be the first one in and the first one out, otherwise I try to slip by as quickly as I can.

Or was it because i just watched the elevator! nyay!

It's 3 in the afternoon here.
Just done reading all the poems posted
And got enough time to review some works.
It's been an hour since I got here.
Just sitting, staring at my computer.
I wanted to write a poem
But I can't think of anything to write
Not that I don’t have anything to write
But because I don’t know where to start
Not that I don’t know how to start
But because lot of things are on my mind.
Things seem to be not getting any better for me.
I don’t know what's so wrong with me!
I had a lot of thinking yesterday
I tried not to think of anything
But I guess I can't control my mind
It's like my mind got its own mind!
Oh well, its sucks! What I feel, sucks!
I started getting like mental depressed yesterday
When my friend made me f_c*ing guess that she had a boyfriend..
He is 24 and she is 49.
The age doesn't bother me so much but god damn it!
My own 49-year-old friend can seem to land a boyfriend!!!..
So what the hell is so wrong with me that I can't??..
I'm in love, All right.
But I love someone who can't love me back!
I've been dumping guys who said they love me
Because of this man I think I can love even if he'll not love me back.
Many times I told myself
That I can. That I will.
But now, what?
Why am I acting like this?
I'm tired……
Not tired of loving him. Coz God knows how long I will love him.
Not tired of waiting for him. Coz I'm not waiting for him (yeah right! Convince yourself girl!)
I don’t know what it is that I'm tired with.
Maybe tired of playing a martyr?
Maybe tired of this kind of set-up I put up?
Maybe tired of thinking that he can't love me?
Maybe tired of thinking that I cant have him?
I have tried absolutely everything.
I have done everything in between
And yet I am still alone. I don't get it!
Why is this happening to me??
What is wrong with me?
I really would like to know what is wrong with me????
Tell me why the f_c* he can't love me!!!

I don't even know what is going on in my own head.
I like to post a poem for today
But I have had a lot of things on my mind.
I have been very depressed
Not really wanting to write much of anything.
I have been too depressed to even write a poem.
Does life ever get any easier to understand?
I can understand some things in my life
But the others seem to come out of absolutely nowhere.
I don’t make sense, huh?
Anyway, I just want to use this space as my place for venting.
Just for today I want to use it as a place for me to get out my sadness.
I hope it's ok with you.

I have pretended that I don't care..I have taken things slow...I have done everything in between. I don't get it! Why is this happening to me?? What is wrong with me? I used to think that I was beautiful and smart and even a worthwhile person. But I now know that I must be ugly, stupid, and completely worthless, I really would like to know what is wrong with me????

I shouldn't be angry
I should just be happy everyone tells me
Why should I be happy with something that I don't have?
All I hear is how understanding I should be..I shouldn't be anything!
I am sick of people telling me what I should have done, what I could have done, what I should do, what I could do!
Let me be me, let me feel how I want, SHOULDN'T I be entitled to at least that much?
Why am I always being ridiculed for being sad about things I think I have a right to be sad about?

I wanted to be with you, and it kills me to leave you alone.
But where were you when I needed you? , I WAS ALONE.
I have put so much into being you and me; you took it all and left me with nothing.
Why has it come to this? Why did we let it get here?

But now I've seen you with her. I can see you are happy.
And I'm glad you are.
I'm not happy though with the way things are but I have to stop this now.
If its not you, it will never be you no matter how much I obsessed about it.
But if just in case you're for me, you've always been, you'll always be no matter how often I set you free...
I hope no one does to you what you have done to me.
Leave you cold, heartbroken and lonely.

Whenever my birthday comes, I undergo sudden bouts of depression.

Did I grow up to be the woman I wanted to be? Honestly, I don’t know.

I know I said it myself. It came from me. It came from a gal who just turned 25 and had just made a reflection of herself.

Did I mention that I am sad? Yes, I believe I did. It’s the same sadness a regretful person feels when he or she reaches the dying ages, the stony type of gloom. But I’m not dying, so why do I get the jitters?

But after the gloom comes resolve. And this time, it’s different because I am already 25 years old. The resolve becomes much clearer and, well, imperative. If I am going to change the way I live my life, I must start right now before I die and have regrets.

I didn’t really realize how I am going to live my life. And I promise to make it better.

I may not be able to change everything in me, but I will try. Anyway, sometimes intent is enough, and sometimes it isn’t. The most important thing now is I have a clearer picture of what I want to be and where I should be.

I’ve been keeping tabs on the current situation in Makati ever since 3am this morning. It is so scary and unreal to see tanks and soldiers dominating the streets of Makati, which today should have been filled with families enjoying their Sunday at the mall. The soldiers in the Magdalo group have a good sense of timing to maximize the impact of what they are doing. If they had rebelled during a weekday, there might be close to panic in the streets of Makati while in other places people might be blissfully unaware in their offices that anything significant was happening. But held on a Sunday, and effectively immobilizing one of the main shopping centers in the metropolis, most people opt to stay at home and remain glued to their TV, watching as events unfold.

I must say that the last time I’ve watched breaking news on television with such sadness for my country in my heart was during the May 1 riots. I could see fellow Filipinos running amok, overturning vehicles and setting fire to them, and even throwing stones at local mediamen. This time, the news does not greet me with such out and out violence, but the tanks and guns and uniforms and bombs as well as the extremely heightened tensions has the same effect on me.

I have been seeing everyone around me fall in love. I have been wanting someone of my own for a long time but it has been so stressful that I haven't even been able to open my eyes to see if there really is someone around who loves me. I guess it's weird how your mind plays tricks on you. I would hate to have to understand why we go through what we go through daily because it seems it is easier to be in the dark than it is being brought into the light. Life can be really hard one minute but really easy the next. I just wish I could find some kind of happy medium because me being pulled in so many directions am starting to get on my nerves. I will never begin to understand how the brain works itself into human life but I wish I could figure out someway to not be so confused.

I like being single even though I complain all the time that I am. I think I am getting better at it and sometimes it's a good thing to just go out and date... I have been single for almost a year now. And sad because I got to meet someone I knew I love but I knew also I can't have.

He is a great guy and I love Him so much. Way so much, I can say. But it would never work.

Maybe sometime in the future I will love someone who will love me back. I know he'll come along sooner or later. Hopefully it's before men just don't matter anymore! Hahahaha!

If there’s nothing much interesting that I can blog about today, it’s because I arrived home at 6 am, and pretty much slept till noon.

The rest of the day was probably spent surfing mindlessly, which is why I can’t really remember anything about it. I may have forgotten to recharge my mind’s batteries as I slept.

The rain. It’s all the rain’s fault.

Today I spent almost the entire day lolling about in bed. I think I spent most of my time online. As usual.

Am I complaining? I’m not sure. I do know one thing though. I believe this is a glimpse of my near future. Bumming around, no routine, nothing to accomplish for the day. Fun for a while, but gets old sooner than you’d think.

The only difference between today and my future bumming days is the steady soothing sound of rain pattering on the roof.

I only worked for less than 2 hours today. Well, not counting the time I spent typing something for work.

Besides that, I don’t remember anything else memorable about today. I probably spent the rest of my extra time surfing endlessly online. I may not watch much TV, but the internet is my screen addiction.

What does it mean when a day disappears? When you can’t remember anything that happened that day, and its as if the day never even existed.

It may mean that you’re just going through the motions in life. Sticking to standard routines and drudgery, just lather, rinse and repeat.

Or it could mean that you’re just not noticing things. Like the little funny event that happened that day. A conversation with someone. A beautiful sky overhead.

Sometimes we need to open our eyes to the little things that make each day different from the last. Somehow today I failed to do that.

So much for Vitamin C. I took it yesterday, but I got sick anyway. Fever, hacking cough, sore throat, sluggish feeling and all that.

I’ve realized something though. When I’m sick, I want to be babied. I want someone to come in and give me my medicine, I like my meals served in my room. I like the idea of someone checking in on me every so often, to see if my fever has gone down.

Heck if I’m feeling sick, I might as well make the most of it.

Urgh. For some reason I am feeling sluggish and heavy today, and my throat feels funny when I swallow. I usually get to feeling this way when I’m about to get sick. NO! Must not get sick, too much work to do.

This is just one of those days when I hate being a girl. You would too, if you felt dizzy with your insides twisting and blood gushing out. Am I being too graphic?

It’s usually tolerable most of the time, but there are days when it’s just too painful and all you want to do is curl up into a little ball. Plus, it happened unexpectedly at work, so I was unprepared.

Alone in the crowd is the phrase that comes to mind when I attempt to describe my experience today. It makes you realize how much you depend on others for — I dont know, a sense of comfort, of feeling at ease in public places.

I was at the most public of places : SM Megamall. I was supposed to meet up with a friend. And that person is still at home. The meeting place was crawling with people.

I would like to be more comfortable with solitude. Most of the people who are here alone project an attitude of expectation, of waiting. Their entire body language screams, I am not alone by choice, my companion just hasn’t arrived yet. Rare is the person who is comfortably alone, who came here purposely to enjoy the evening in solitude, even if that solitude involves being silent in the midst of so many other people.

At first, it can be uncomfortable being alone. You try and look busy, texting your friends, looking frequently at your watch, even whip out a pen and notebook and compose your blog entry. After a while, you settle back, and take to watching people. You observe the way they walk, the way they dress, the way they talk to their friends. You begin to make up little stories about them. Look at that shy couple, out on their first date together. That girl is mad at her friends because they were supposed to meet at 4pm and they aren’t here yet. Wait a minute. That’s just me projecting my frustration on her.

A headache came knocking at my head’s door and demanded to be let in. A Biogesic tablet and a nap didn’t banish it, and a second tablet didn’t do any good either.

I stayed at home, curled up into a little ball, whimpering. That damn headache continued to make its presence felt, and kept pushing against the walls of my skull. My body seems to be subjecting me to a lot of pain recently.