Whenever my birthday comes, I undergo sudden bouts of depression.

Did I grow up to be the woman I wanted to be? Honestly, I don’t know.

I know I said it myself. It came from me. It came from a gal who just turned 25 and had just made a reflection of herself.

Did I mention that I am sad? Yes, I believe I did. It’s the same sadness a regretful person feels when he or she reaches the dying ages, the stony type of gloom. But I’m not dying, so why do I get the jitters?

But after the gloom comes resolve. And this time, it’s different because I am already 25 years old. The resolve becomes much clearer and, well, imperative. If I am going to change the way I live my life, I must start right now before I die and have regrets.

I didn’t really realize how I am going to live my life. And I promise to make it better.

I may not be able to change everything in me, but I will try. Anyway, sometimes intent is enough, and sometimes it isn’t. The most important thing now is I have a clearer picture of what I want to be and where I should be.

I’ve been keeping tabs on the current situation in Makati ever since 3am this morning. It is so scary and unreal to see tanks and soldiers dominating the streets of Makati, which today should have been filled with families enjoying their Sunday at the mall. The soldiers in the Magdalo group have a good sense of timing to maximize the impact of what they are doing. If they had rebelled during a weekday, there might be close to panic in the streets of Makati while in other places people might be blissfully unaware in their offices that anything significant was happening. But held on a Sunday, and effectively immobilizing one of the main shopping centers in the metropolis, most people opt to stay at home and remain glued to their TV, watching as events unfold.

I must say that the last time I’ve watched breaking news on television with such sadness for my country in my heart was during the May 1 riots. I could see fellow Filipinos running amok, overturning vehicles and setting fire to them, and even throwing stones at local mediamen. This time, the news does not greet me with such out and out violence, but the tanks and guns and uniforms and bombs as well as the extremely heightened tensions has the same effect on me.

I have been seeing everyone around me fall in love. I have been wanting someone of my own for a long time but it has been so stressful that I haven't even been able to open my eyes to see if there really is someone around who loves me. I guess it's weird how your mind plays tricks on you. I would hate to have to understand why we go through what we go through daily because it seems it is easier to be in the dark than it is being brought into the light. Life can be really hard one minute but really easy the next. I just wish I could find some kind of happy medium because me being pulled in so many directions am starting to get on my nerves. I will never begin to understand how the brain works itself into human life but I wish I could figure out someway to not be so confused.

I like being single even though I complain all the time that I am. I think I am getting better at it and sometimes it's a good thing to just go out and date... I have been single for almost a year now. And sad because I got to meet someone I knew I love but I knew also I can't have.

He is a great guy and I love Him so much. Way so much, I can say. But it would never work.

Maybe sometime in the future I will love someone who will love me back. I know he'll come along sooner or later. Hopefully it's before men just don't matter anymore! Hahahaha!