musing again

After weeks of what people call "writer's block"... I got inspired. Coz I'm so sleepy I couldn't sleep anymore.LOL!

A lot of changes happened recently - for the better i suppose. i'm still trying to figure things out... where to go from here, how to go about it etc. well, what's new right?! i guess it will always (always!) be like this.

LOL but one thing's for sure, i know i'm still lucky like shit!

My job's awesome, my life's fucked up but full of fun and i have an insatiable thirst to learn, to live and to love.

life is really a bitch you know. and it's good err great that it is. 'cause when you start to become complacent and things begin fucking up one by one, you wake up and fix 'em ugh-gain. that's life! ain't that a bitch?! tried doing things the right way, tried doing things the wrong way... however hard i try IT just won't die. keeps coming back ya' know. and i guess i'm at fault.

it's a choice really.

happiness... yes. contentment... yes.
excited yet anxious, nervous... yes.
to last? that is the question.

forgiveness... forgiveness... for...
what?

:p

Angst

This week was a huge emotional setback that I so reluctantly faced. I have felt that need to bring out the happy mask yet again to disguise that deep splinter in my heart - It's easier to smile than to explain to people who won't understand anyway.

Eversince,whenever I feel unwanted, I just quietly withdraw myself and just silently take my way out. I was never the one to make efforts to redeem myself or vindicate myself over doing something spectacular or astounding. It's not the it's-your-loss-not-mine snooty kind of mentality, actually it's quite the opposite. I feel more of sadness and dishearten that if I feel not being liked, I'll just stay away to lighten their burdens a bit and i realized that i'm mature enough to stoop down to their levels.

This week I also learned that it's much harder to pull a smile when you feel your face is pulling down. It's like there's a huge wave of downcast enveloping your soul. I've always had a sly face to cover everything but somehow, I never knew how to battle sadness of being unwanted.

I am human who's never contented and will always look for the other side. I am not happy but I am trying everyday. As I remind myself, blessings, mundane as they can be, are still blessings. I don't want to have regrets to have them back again once I don't have them anymore.
After going through the ordeal of self-denial, here comes the unexpected truth that I can't even handle. Its because when someone reminds me of how I want to live my life, I knew I failed but no, Im actually on my way soon. Thanks to you people! Check on your life first before judging mine! You just don't know how I make my everyday to be a new learning ground and live my life the way I want it to be.

You can't crucify someone who is living a life that you so want to have.
Your life won't get any easier just because you think you have drag someone down with you.
Stop All the hypocrisy.