musing again

After weeks of what people call "writer's block"... I got inspired. Coz I'm so sleepy I couldn't sleep anymore.LOL!

A lot of changes happened recently - for the better i suppose. i'm still trying to figure things out... where to go from here, how to go about it etc. well, what's new right?! i guess it will always (always!) be like this.

LOL but one thing's for sure, i know i'm still lucky like shit!

My job's awesome, my life's fucked up but full of fun and i have an insatiable thirst to learn, to live and to love.

life is really a bitch you know. and it's good err great that it is. 'cause when you start to become complacent and things begin fucking up one by one, you wake up and fix 'em ugh-gain. that's life! ain't that a bitch?! tried doing things the right way, tried doing things the wrong way... however hard i try IT just won't die. keeps coming back ya' know. and i guess i'm at fault.

it's a choice really.

happiness... yes. contentment... yes.
excited yet anxious, nervous... yes.
to last? that is the question.

forgiveness... forgiveness... for...
what?

:p

Angst

This week was a huge emotional setback that I so reluctantly faced. I have felt that need to bring out the happy mask yet again to disguise that deep splinter in my heart - It's easier to smile than to explain to people who won't understand anyway.

Eversince,whenever I feel unwanted, I just quietly withdraw myself and just silently take my way out. I was never the one to make efforts to redeem myself or vindicate myself over doing something spectacular or astounding. It's not the it's-your-loss-not-mine snooty kind of mentality, actually it's quite the opposite. I feel more of sadness and dishearten that if I feel not being liked, I'll just stay away to lighten their burdens a bit and i realized that i'm mature enough to stoop down to their levels.

This week I also learned that it's much harder to pull a smile when you feel your face is pulling down. It's like there's a huge wave of downcast enveloping your soul. I've always had a sly face to cover everything but somehow, I never knew how to battle sadness of being unwanted.

I am human who's never contented and will always look for the other side. I am not happy but I am trying everyday. As I remind myself, blessings, mundane as they can be, are still blessings. I don't want to have regrets to have them back again once I don't have them anymore.
After going through the ordeal of self-denial, here comes the unexpected truth that I can't even handle. Its because when someone reminds me of how I want to live my life, I knew I failed but no, Im actually on my way soon. Thanks to you people! Check on your life first before judging mine! You just don't know how I make my everyday to be a new learning ground and live my life the way I want it to be.

You can't crucify someone who is living a life that you so want to have.
Your life won't get any easier just because you think you have drag someone down with you.
Stop All the hypocrisy.

I Am...not

I'm not in the night...

I'm not at the day...

I'm not in the past...

I'm not in the future...

I'm not in the water...

I'm not in the fire...

I'm not in your World...

I'm sorry...

Bagyo man ang dumating

matindi ang unos na nagdaan

ang hagupit ng hangin

ang buhos ng ulan

tila walang katapusan.

nagngingit sa galit ang kalikasan

bagamat malayo sa kapahamakan

di mapanatag aking damdamin

lumulutang ang aking isipan

hinahanap ang iyong mga mata

nagtatanong kung nasan ka na

di pala nakakatakot ang bagyo

di pala nakakatakot ang bangis ng hangin

di pala nakakadampi ang ulan

napawi na ito ng aking pag-aalala sayo

nag-aabang, sa malayo nakatanaw

naghihintay sa yong pagdating

di mapakali hangang muling kapiling ka

sa lupit ng hagupit ng bagyo

sa kasagsagan nito

naglaho ang aking pangamba

ang kaba ay napilitan ng ngiti

nang madama ko ang iyong yakap

nang mahawakan ko ang iyong kamay

ang damdamin ay nagliyab

ang kapangyarihan sa aking bisig

ay nag-uumapaw sa lakas

ito’y umiikot na parang ipo-ipo

at nakaamba na parang ahas

ang anumang bagay ay maglalaho

sa oras na dumampi sa iyong balat

at masusunog sa init ng apoy

ang damdamin ay walang katulad

nagbabadyang panganib

nakahandang suongin

hawak ka lang sa palad ko

magiging usok ang patak ng ulan

nakapagtatakang napawi ang takot

ni kaunting kaba ay di ko nararamdaman

yakap ko ang syang balabal mo

lahat ay kaya nating suongin

lahat ay kaya nating lampasan

nararamdaman mo pa ba ang takot?

ang panganib ay nawalan ng puwang sa atin

ang takot ay naikubli

ng makita ang kislap sa iyong mga mata.

kaya kong bihagin ang unos sa palad ko

at ibalik ito sa karagatan.

ipagtatanggol kita…

ilang unos pa man ang dumating.

Thank you

I happen to "bump in" to this live journal account. I dont know this person. It just amazes me that he/she reads my works. he/she even shared it to his/her friends...

to you, yyyoshiii of Mind Vomit, Thank you. I appreciate that you read my works and that you didnt remove my name on it! LOL.